Nicole Johnson

My face pressed against my thighs as I try hard not to cry.
Fighting back the tears, but no matter how hard I resist my chest rises swiftly and soon comes a release.
It’s too far of a run—too much of a hike.
Here I am standing in the middle of chaos, taking all of this in stride.
The voices circle me like a two-way mirror that only I can see.
Fear trickling through my mind like a pounding migraine that won’t subside.
“1,2,3, run, run, run!” my subconscious screams at me.
I’m failing miserably as I watch the events play on repeat.
The look of conviction in my eyes while my voice raises high…
A simple conversation escalated quickly.
My heart forever on my sleeve…
I wish you could understand all that I do and yet it all goes unnoticed as if that’s what I was supposed to do.
I wash my hands in bleach to rid of the scars that I have held on to….
The burns become bitter pieces of me that seep into closing veins.
My heart still beats, but slowly as two bolts jolt through me every few seconds while I fall asleep.
There is a beauty to what no longer draws breath.
The porcelain skin and stiff fingertips that have a hint of blue.
I try to remember what it may have been like for you.
To sit in a corner away from everything and watch others laugh and argue.
I try to remember the face you made when your mouth twisted to hold back a smile.
The face that stares back at me now shows no expression, yet haunts me with dreams that I remember vividly.